I remember reading “The Devil Wears Prada” by Lauren Weisberger as a teen. It was summertime, and it was one of the books I’d take to the beach to pass the time while I tanned (regrettably). I would pause to daydream about the luxury lifestyle portrayed in the pages. I even tried to emulate the “leveled up” version of Andy Sachs’ character.
So, when I received an invite for Chicago’s premiere event for “The Devil Wears Prada 2,” I owed it to my 17-year-old self to attend. Between “The Princess Diaries” and “The Devil Wears Prada,” I practically grew up with Anne Hathaway.
I also owed it to my grown-up, mom-of-three self to attend. As a parenting coach and founder of Parenting on Mars, it would be a welcome shift in the kinds of events I was used to attending. I prepped for weeks, finding the right outfit, booking all the necessary appointments. It was practically prom. After an emergency redo of my hairstyle (that was also just like prom, only in a bad way), I was ready for an evening of fashion, red carpets, and the glam-bot. It was quite the departure from carpool, bathtimes, and unintentionally falling asleep in someone’s twin bed after bedtime stories.
It was there in the theater, surrounded by 200 of Chicago’s most fashionable people, that Miranda Priestly shared what her entire life cost her. If you haven’t seen the film yet, spoilers ahead.
In the film’s triumphant moment, it wasn’t about what she gained. It was about what she lost as a mother. She shares that she’s missed half of her children’s lives (Miranda Priestly has twin girls) and that was the cost of it all. She followed the confession by declaring that she loves to work. For me, it was the best moment in the film because it speaks to one of the hottest debates of our modern era: how we spend our time as mothers.
With Emma Grede (co-founder and CEO of the Good American clothing brand and a founding partner of SKIMS) making headlines for calling herself a “max three-hour mum,” we’re back in the debate about whether or not women can actually have it all. Miranda Priestly names what we often avoid saying out loud: there’s a cost to every version of it.
And then there’s the question we often ask about ourselves: Is she a good mom? As someone who studies “good” parenting, I can honestly say I don’t know. The research doesn’t specify the number of hours that are ideal. The uncomfortable and useful truth is that time matters, but quality matters most. For weeks, I haven’t been able to get Emma Grede’s statement off my mind. The news coverage and commentary have kept me coming back to this: what matters most to our children’s well-being is how they experience us.
Emma said what she said with her full chest. Here’s what I want to say: How our children feel in our presence is what shapes them. Are they wanted? Do they feel seen? Are they understood? Can they rest in our presence as they are? I’ll always be more interested in those answers than any number of hours clocked in.
As my fancy evening came to an end, I rushed home to catch my husband before he went to bed. I made it in time to debrief him on the details of carpools and bedtime routines (hint: it didn’t go well). I thought about the cost of my evening away. I missed some things that made my heart ache a bit. My daughter went to sleep with some big things on her mind. So I crawled into bed with her. When she woke up, I was there. With sleepy eyes half-open, we talked. Then she asked me, “Was your night fun? Are you glad you went?” My mind immediately translated for me: Was it worth the cost?
I gave her my most honest answer, “It was fun! I’m so happy I’m here with you now.”
